i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
