After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
