my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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