I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
