I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
