from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
