I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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