Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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