I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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