I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
