My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
