I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
