I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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