I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
There was a lot of him and a little penis
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
