I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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