i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i can't believe i had my finger in that
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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