Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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