so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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