I puked a lego.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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