The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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