broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize
