did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
we made out on top of his cat.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
