Who wears a wallet chain?!
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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