One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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