Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
