if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
