I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
