Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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