Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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