I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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