My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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