Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
The uberlube is also flammable
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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