dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
the condom got lost in my hair
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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