After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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