You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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