I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
