Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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