I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
