looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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