My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
