I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
