Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
