Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
