you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
