What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
