While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
