Joe is yelling at the trees again.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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