Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
