I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
