Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
