plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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